Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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