it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
soo... how was my night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize