My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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