did you get engaged???
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
