he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
