Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
