the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
