genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
