Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
