Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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