You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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