you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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