I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
