I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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