Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
