weddingsv make me drug and hornr
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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