I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
