I'm so fucking centered right now
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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