im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
