You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
