i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
