yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
