ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
