So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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