My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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