i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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