I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
