we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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