hotel room ftw
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
