I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
