I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
