What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
