What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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