I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
