im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
