p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
