He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
