I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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