so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
