You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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