I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
