I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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