Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
