You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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