If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
