It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize