We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
