Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
