I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
