Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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