she was so not down for the gang bang
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
