My sheets look like a crime scene.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
