It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
