I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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