someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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