You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize