im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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