Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
