I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
