She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
